Yer Cheatin’ Heart

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Epiphany Jordan

As a woman who has looked for casual sex online, I’m no stranger to getting propositioned by married men. The excuses were all over the place, though the conversation rarely went far. I had little interest in cheaters; I’ve got a strong sense of sisterhood, and I would never want to cause another woman the emotional pain that cheating does. But that didn’t stop them from trying. I had plenty of them try to convince me it was okay. Maybe for them, but for me? Not so much.

(True confession: twice when I was in my 30s I knowingly slept with a married man, and once stepped out on a college boyfriend during a time we were mostly broken up. Like everyone, I like to think that I’m capable of growth and change, and of learned to discern right from wrong. The last couple of times I found myself in the dating pool, I wasn’t interested in sleeping with cheaters. If that makes my opinions unworthy because I’m a cheating hypocrite, so be it.)

Still, on the occasions I did talk with men about it, I heard a lot of stories that weren’t quite as black and white as we’d like to believe cheating is. Plenty of guys are stuck in what I call monogabacy: they are in monogamous relationships that have turned celibate. Several of them talked about still loving and wanting to have sex with their wives, but continually getting the cold shoulder; others talked about their deep love for their children, and how their marriages were decent other than the sex part. Men who couldn’t leave their spouses for economic reasons (both their own and their partners), or guys whose wives had health problems. Many of them felt guilty for what they were doing, but figured sleeping with a woman they met online was less onerous than hiring a sex worker.

And yes, there were plenty of men who were horndogs who just wanted to fuck a bunch of different women, and made no bones about it.

I don’t know if other women typically slam the email door in cheaters’ faces, but I suspect they do. If the huge number of men looking for extra-marital sex in every corner of the internet is any indication, many of them are looking fruitlessly. It’s no wonder they got lured in by the promise of hot, available pussy on Ashley Madison. If the statistics are correct, and anywhere between 1 in 5 and 1 in 2 men have consummated an affair, then there are a lot of married men out there who are unhappy with their sex lives. And sexually dissatisfied men in marriages are usually partnered with sexually dissatisfied women.

Men have long enjoyed non-consensual non-monogamy. For thousands of years, men have visited prostitutes, kept mistresses or married multiple women. While countless women have suffered because of this, there was little they could do: women had no choice but to stay with their husbands, because divorce wasn’t an option. (And let’s not forget that prior to the 20^th century, sex often resulted in more children; perhaps it was a relief to have their husbands getting their needs met elsewhere so they didn’t find themselves pregnant again.) For women to cheat could meant death or being ostracized. I have no doubt that there were men who remained faithful to their wives, and couples who enjoyed passionate, erotic connections, but they were probably the exception, not the rule.

Let me clarify: I am by no means condoning cheating here. There are few things harder to bear than betrayal by someone to whom you’ve opened your heart and made yourself vulnerable. Cheating rarely ends well for any of the parties involved, and make things a whole lot harder and more complicated if/when it’s discovered. I don’t think cheating is the solution to the problems we collectively seem to have with marriage, monogamy and commitment, though, as stated above, it’s a solution men have chosen repeatedly throughout the ages.

I’ve had many female friends who have experienced cheating get triggered by the Ashley Madison leaks as they remembered the pain they experienced when they had discovered a cheating spouse, and they inevitably sided with the women who were about to find out that they too had been betrayed (although, to be fair, I’d wager to guess that not too many folks were actually hooking up through the website).

While I wasn’t interested in being a party to men cheating on their wives, I could certainly understand how they got to that point. I, too, had been an unwilling participant in monogabacy, with a husband who didn’t want to have sex with me, yet refused to tell me what kind of sex he did want to have, or what needs were going unfulfilled and causing him to turn away from me. I spent many years being cranky and frustrated and patient and sad and angry and confused: I loved my husband, was crazy attracted to him, and wanted to have an intimate, erotic relationship with him.

Instead, I got years of, well, pretty much nothing. He wouldn’t even kiss me most of the time. Regardless, I remained faithful, until I thought it would be a good idea to fix our relationship with polyamory. I tried this route for a year (more on that in a bit), and finally decided to ask him for a divorce. Unlike many other folks in sexually dead marriages, there wasn’t enough else good in the relationship to make me want to give up on sex for good, especially when it had taken me many years to find a partner with whom to share it. I reasoned that if I was going to commit to being monogamous, the sex better be damn good.

While we gleefully moralize, shame and judge those poor bastards who wanted to get laid by someone other than their lawfully wedded wives, we seem to be unwilling to admit that people have sexual needs that are frequently not met in marriage. Life intervenes, and people change. Health concerns, children, aging and stressors with work or family cause our sex drives to ebb and flow. No one should be forced to dispense sex on demand if they aren’t interested in having it, but is it really right to expect that when we commit to another, it may mean giving up on sex altogether? Surely there must be a better solution, some sort of middle ground.

Of course, at this point in our evolution, we have set ourselves up to fail. Despite the fact that the ball of wax that is love, sex and intimacy is the most important part of our lives, we have almost no education about these things. While culturally we worship porn on one end of the spectrum and romance on the other, we aren’t taught how to be present and close to another, how our bodies work, what turns us on, how to deal with conflict and a host of other skills that might prepare us for navigating the uncharted territory that lies between two people. Toss in a healthy dose of shame around our bodies, and make people obsess about their appearance. Teach one sex to be passive about their desires, and ask the other to suppress their emotions. Tell young folks to ignore the hormones surging through their bodies and save themselves for their one true love, and then throw a pair of ‘em together with zero experience, mismatched libidos and an expectation that they will stay committed to each other for fifty years.

What could possibly go wrong?

One of the things I see bandied about constantly in discussions about infidelity is that people shouldn’t commit to monogamy and marriage unless they are ready to commit. The current iteration of what marriage means, and what it’s for, is pretty new. Never in the history of partnering have we put so many hopes and expectations onto the romantic coupling between two people. Our significant other is supposed to be a best friend, a mirror for personal growth, a partner in adventure, a roommate, a support system, a parent to children and – above all – a faithful lover who fulfills all our needs for love, sex and intimacy.

Tear people’s attention away from their soulmate with the obligations of work, friends, daily chores, self-care, family and creative pursuits, and we are putting a lot of strain onto one institution. It’s little wonder it’s not working out so well. Because our society is oriented toward individuality and success, and downplays the importance of interdependence and relationships, few of us have the time and resources to create a successful partnership we aspire to in marriage. A therapist I know often tells her clients that a relationship is like a part-time job. How many people treat it that way?

I’m curious, too, what this type of honesty makes the dating landscape look like, especially for the many women who seem to be making the strident demands for monogamous marriage and commitment; from what I hear from the dating trenches, there’s already a dearth of such men out there. If we’re insistent that men be more honest about their sexual desires, we can’t be surprised when they tell us that maybe monogamy isn’t for them. Think most of them will choose monogamy? Fair maidens, get thee to the closest gay bar, talk to one of your favorite gay friends, or put a profile up on Grindr and feast thine eyes on male sexuality that doesn’t take women into the equation. It can be pretty damn promiscuous, but most men don’t mind because, well, they’re men. Many gay men in committed relationships don’t equate love with fidelity, and it works out just fine for them.

Of course this gives women a choice about whether or not they are involved with someone who wants/needs multiple partners, but it also leaves them with many fewer partner choices in the pool of available candidates. It’s clear that many men aren’t being open about their desires, but if the number of cheaters is high, like 1 in 2, then that essentially cuts the pool in half.

The desire for monogamy is largely female-driven, though not entirely, and has been linked to biology. (My partner is much more inclined toward monogamy than I am. Good thing I chose a guy who fulfills my sexual needs beautifully.) If women don’t appreciate being forced into anal sex and threesomes by their male partners, men shouldn’t be forced into monogamy by women. Why should women’s emotional desires prevail over men’s sexual needs, especially since the current setup doesn’t seem to be making either gender happy and sexually satisfied? Perhaps the women who feel that modern life leaves them too stressed and distracted to have and enjoy sex, and just seek companionship and a life partner, are better off partnering with other women (and keeping their Hitachi Magic Wands close by).

Diamonds, you’re no longer a girl’s best friend.

I’ve also heard a lot of people say that in addition to being honest, if married folks want to seek extra-marital sex they should just be open about it. From personal experience and watching many others, polyamory is not only a poor option for fixing a relationship, it exacerbates existing problems in horrible ways. When my husband and I tried it at my request during the last year of my marriage, I thought it would be a good solution. I was a perfect candidate: I worked part time, was child-free, had a good sense of boundaries and am not overly jealous. We were in good shape financially. I had plenty of friends who were practicing consensual non-monogamy, and had spent a ton of time studying alternative relationship styles.

Instead of getting my sexual, emotional and intellectual needs met, I found myself going on lots of dates but not clicking with anyone. (Plenty of guys want to get laid, but not many want to be in a relationship with a married women, even if her husband says he’s on board with it.) Meanwhile, my husband got into a serious relationship with another woman immediately.

I ended up spending a lot of time managing his schedule and supporting him in being successful with her, adding yet one more item to my to-do list. It did nothing to address the problems we were having between the two of us – I felt increasingly isolated and frustrated and lonely. And because he was getting his emotional needs met elsewhere with someone who was still new and fresh, he neglected to put any work into our relationship. The month before I decided to leave, I asked him to stop seeing her and focus on what was going on between us, putting her in a painful position as well. (He immediately went back to dating her after we split up, and continued to date her for a few years.)

Consensual non-monogamy is a lot of work, and for women who are already carrying a heavy emotional load with partners and children, it’s probably not a viable option. I have friends who manage to pull it off successfully, but they are few and far between. If people don’t have the time and bandwidth to deal with the relationship issues they already have, adding more people and complexity usually just makes it worse.

And let’s talk about honesty for a minute. While being honest throughout your relationship is a good thing, the honesty needs to be there from the beginning. Actually, the honesty needs to be there long before we get involved with anybody. People who don’t want to be monogamous must be honest about those needs with themselves first. If our libidos are low, we long to be tied up, or we’re attracted to several genders, we owe it to our partners to come clean about our desires, even if it reduces the number of potential partners.

Sex certainly isn’t the only part of a relationship, but it can consume so much of our lives when it’s out of whack. And if we hold the expectation that our life partner is going to fulfill all our sexual needs, then maybe we need to prioritize finding the person who delights us in bed. Of course there are many factors that go into evaluating a potential life mate, but sexual compatibility needs to be much higher on our list, even – and especially – if that compatibility means sex is something we want only once a month.

Recently I met a woman in her mid-20s who had hooked up with a guy who told her that he liked his ass played with during sex. She was squicked about it and didn’t want to see him again. He had done both of them a favor by being honest about his desires. Doesn’t it make sense for him to meet a woman who says, “awesome! Let me grab my strap-on!” and for her to not to waste her time dating a guy whose desires are a turn-off?

Instead, women will oftentimes think to themselves, “well, he makes great money, and I bet he would be a great dad, so I will keep seeing him and he’ll just have to forego the finger in his ass while we’re making love because I don’t like it.” Because that shit happens ALL THE TIME. Are there sexual compromises in relationships? Yep. But doesn’t it make sense to find someone who is as sexually compatible with you as possible?

Honesty also means getting real about the fact that our sexual needs are not static, and that we may go through periods where our partners can’t or won’t be able to perform. My man and I have these conversations frequently: I’m in perimenopause, and he has some pretty substantial health problems, so we know there is a high chance we will experience a physical disconnect at some point. Since our sexual relationship is vital, and vitally important to both of us, we absolutely need to be able to bring our concerns to each other and know that said concerns will be heard without judgment or guilt. I have no idea what a workaround in this area might look like for us, but being able to acknowledge it and be prepared for it long before it becomes a problem is a relief, especially after being with someone who responded to sexual issues by shutting down communication.

Maybe if we spent more time planning our marriages instead of our weddings, we’d be more successful at making them work.

Perhaps most importantly, we need to become better acquainted with our sexual and intimate selves long before we involve another person. What does a good sex life look like? (Hint: “good sex” usually means something completely different to each of us.) What sort of touch makes your body sing? Can you be vulnerable, in and out of the bedroom? Can you ask for what you need? What are the top 10 fantasies on your sexual bucket list? How do you handle conflict, and what did your family of origin teach you about love and sex? What does an ideal partnership look like, and what does marriage mean? Is it something I actually want? (And yes, I realize that this sort of introspection is more available to those who can afford it. Privilege definitely extends into our bedrooms.) Maybe if we spent more time planning our marriages instead of our weddings, we’d be more successful at making them work.

Do you REALLY want to know what’s inside? Ooops! Too late!

And since we’ve opened Pandora’s box of what marriage is about, maybe it’s time to admit that it’s unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all our needs, not just for sex but also for intimacy, emotional support, childrearing, leisure activities, care-giving and day-to-day living. The nuclear family unit has been largely isolating and burdensome for many, especially for women. Perhaps if we extend our definitions of what relationships mean, and our networks of people we can go to when we need something, we can take better care of ourselves and our loved ones and spread out our support systems instead of putting it all at the feet of our one true love.

If we are unwilling and unable to do this, we have two choices: the first is to continue as we are, having expectations based on our ideal relationship fantasies, and being blindsided when our partners and their needs change, and the dissolution of said relationships tear apart our families, both economically and emotionally.

The second is to make sure that when we do choose a partner, we choose someone whose goals and desires match our own and make sure it’s a good match before we commit. I know I didn’t meet the person who rocks my world in and out of bed until I was nearly 50 and had being involved in several long and short relationships. He drives me crazy, and challenges me in many ways (and vice versa), but I have a lot less to “settle for” because I had gotten clear about my own desires, especially sexually. Whether we’re doing some sort of role play and fantasy, having a drawn-out romantic seduction or saying, “hey, let’s have sex,” go in the bedroom, unceremoniously get naked and fuck, the sex we have is deeply satisfying. Monogamy – and continuing to be turned on and horny – hasn’t been hard to do because we fit each other so well sexually.

Of course the second way is risky, and means that we may end up alone because we are being a lot choosier, but that seems to be happening anyhow – look at all the single people out there who don’t have any sort of relationship at all. Even more telling, look at the people who are married and see how few of them seem to be having sexually satisfying marriages.

We have been given an unprecedented opportunity to have some serious conversations as a society about the future of marriage, monogamy, families and faithfulness. Perhaps going forward we can spend a little time considering what it is we need from our partnerships instead of blindly going into them without forethought and having our hearts broken when expectations and reality don’t line up. Is it less romantic to write relationship contracts than to be swept off of our feet? Absolutely. But we have a much better shot at monogamy and marriage if we can define what they mean to us, and can find someone who shares our desires.

What it’s like to be in love with an emotionally available man

Posted on February 18, 2015 by Epiphany Jordan

A few weeks ago I was chatting online with a west coast acquaintance. She told me she had given up on dating, and had decided to just do hookup sex. She had met a guy, and they started sleeping together. The sex was great and they both seemed to be enjoying themselves. Then, out of the blue, he told her that he had realized he couldn’t do casual sex, and that while she was his type, he wasn’t in a position to be dating her at the moment, and so he was breaking things off. It could be that he truly felt that way, or it could be that he felt like she was starting to get attached to him and didn’t want to lead her on, or that he was starting to fall for her. (Hard to know when I’m only getting one side of the story.)

She was more than a little devastated.

I have so many women friends who are attracted to emotionally unavailable men, and I get it. I was one of those women for years. After doing a huge chunk of healing work, I found that my perception had shifted, and I was no longer interested in these commitment-phobic guys. My first relationship after that transition turned into a marriage; strangely, it was with a man who a friend had tried to hook me up with several months before. I had rejected him because I thought he was probably boring (read: emotionally available). After my marriage ended, I started dating my current partner, whose heart is wide open to me.

As you can probably guess, things roll a bit differently with him than with guys I’ve fallen for in the past. I realized, too, that if you haven’t experienced being on the receiving end of deep love, you might not know what that looks and feels like. Below you will find some of the ways that I know that he is telling me what’s in his heart…and how I can trust him with mine:

He is supportive: as evidenced by this popular video a while back, many men tend to be problem-solvers and don’t know how to be empathetic. I’m more than welcome to cry on my guy’s shoulder when I need it, and it doesn’t make him uncomfortable.

Can I interest you in a nice set of luggage?

He is self-reflective: My guy is very willing to examine his feelings, and works to resolve the disagreements that come up. Not only do we deal with issues we have as a couple, he also constantly works to self-improve. He is capable of receiving feedback and criticism…and acting on the same. Neither of us is perfect, but we try not to blame each other. When you put our collective emotional baggage together, we have a rather nice collection of luggage.

I always know where to find his heart.

He’s not afraid to tell me how he feels: The other day, I got a couple of text messages from him. “I’m so in love with you it scares me sometimes” and “BTW…don’t think I told you today how absolutely fucking beautiful and smart you are.” This is standard for him, both in text messages and in person. He makes sure to tell me that he appreciates me, and acknowledges that he thinks I’m beautiful. He’s not afraid to make himself vulnerable to me, nor does he try to suppress his feelings about me.

He allows me to be childlike: I do a lot of scientific research, pay my mortgage on time and love a good debate. I also jump up and down, clap my hands and say “yay!” when he comes in after work, and run around pretending I’m an otter cracking abalone on my belly. Not only does he find these younger parts of myself delightful, he often lets his young self come out and play with me. To him, silliness is a source of fun and creativity, not shame and embarrassment.

He loves having missionary position sex: The other night we were getting ready to have sex and debating whether to do it doggy style or face-to-face. The latter won out, as it frequently has in recent months. Having our hearts next to each other amplifies the connection in our genitals. The result is some of the best sex either of us has ever had.

The eyes have it!

He is devoted: While porn bores me, my boyfriend enjoys watching it. A couple times a month, he will show up with a story of getting hit on by a girl at the grocery or a restaurant. (Great sex and deep love will make a person attractive, so it makes sense.) I don’t feel threatened or jealous in the least; I know he’s not going anywhere. And if he were to develop a crush on someone, he would feel comfortable with telling me about it.

He loves my girlfriends: While my female friends aren’t romantically involved with my boyfriend, they are very comfortable coming to him for snuggles, love advice and emotional support. He is loving and kind, and treats them with respect and affection to the point where they often ask if he has a brother (yeah, he does, but you wouldn’t want to date him).

Truer words have never been spoken….

He does all kinds of nice things for me: Even when he works all day, he’s always willing to take out the trash, feed the cats, or cook dinner. As I’ve told him numerous times, I can carry my own damn groceries, but it’s still nice to have someone who likes to make your life easier. He gets pleasure from taking care of me, and so I let him do it.

He is careful with my feelings: While he can be maddeningly logical and literal in disagreements, he never belittles my perspective or feelings, and rarely raises his voice. He is great at seeing cause and effect, and does his damnedest to avoid causing problems. He recognizes that my love for him gives him great power over me, and he strives to not take advantage of that power.

Of course, there is a downside to this emotional availability. His past includes physical abuse, molestation, bullying, depression, a dysfunctional marriage, several suicide attempts, cutting and a family history of alcoholism. As a sensitive person, the only way he could cope was to shut off his emotions entirely. When he turned them back on, they came out in a flood, and now he feels all the things. Along with intense love and joy, he often feels deep sorrow and pain. Still, it’s better than the alternative, and I wouldn’t trade him in for a shinier, newer model if you paid me….

C’mon…give it a try!

And finally, a Piffy axiom to keep in mind: It’s easier to teach an emotionally available man to rock climb than it is to teach a rock climber to be emotionally available. Look for the heart when evaluating potential partners. After all, you’re here for the love, not the pain.

Women seeking unicorns

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Epiphany Jordan

When we returned to my house from a fancy birthday dinner at Olivia, he looked and said, “there’s an envelope on the door. It’s for you. Go look at it.” I opened it. Inside was a letter from his kinky role-play persona to mine. (No, I won’t tell you what it said – my mom might be reading this!) It instructed me to go inside, follow the trail of clues to the next envelope. It also said there would be treats for me.

A reasonable facsimile of my bedroom the night of my birthday.

I unlocked the door, and stepped into a dark house. The floor was covered with a trail of rose petals, candy and electric candles (thoughtful of him not to burn the house down). I picked up each of the candies as I went through the living room, the office, down the hallway and into the bathroom.

I turned on the light in the bathroom, and saw another envelope taped to the mirror. When I opened it, it gave me instructions to change into the clothes that had been laid out for me, and then proceed to the bedroom for the next envelope(s). I found the outfit that corresponded to the role-play scenario he had chosen for the evening, along with two pairs of stockings. I couldn’t decide which one I was supposed to wear, so I put on one of each.

The rose petals and candles continued to the bedroom, which was also lit with candles. As my eyes adjusted, I noticed that several of our toys had been laid out, and the sex swing had been hung. There was a bottle of wine with two glasses poured on the dresser. I opened the first envelope on the bed, as instructed. It directed me to stop reading after the first paragraph, and open the second envelope. In it was a birthday card that said, “I love you. You are the center of my universe.” Going back to the letter, I was instructed to lie down on the bed, put on the blindfold, and wait for him to come in.

Yes, they did taste just as good as they look.

Our role play was punctuated with him feeding me chocolate-covered strawberries, and offering me sips of wine. At one point, he told me that I must be a witch, because I continue to get more beautiful every time he looks at me. Eventually, the role-playing gave way to round 1 of fantastic sex. After a break, we continued with round 2 of role playing (the punishment phase), followed by more hot sex. After, we talked, we kissed, we snuggled, we laughed, we listened to music, we drank wine. Hours later, we curled up together and fell asleep with smiles on our faces.

By now, I’m guessing that many reading this blog post think that I’ve been mainlining 50 Shades of Abuse Disguised As Romantic Fantasy and that it’s wishful thinking on my part. But no, this really happened, a few days after my 51st birthday. He had been telling me all week he had a big surprise planned, and only a couple of people knew about it. He had enlisted the help of two of our girlfriends, but all they knew was that they needed to show up at my house at a certain time. After we left for dinner, they arrived at the house. When they got inside, they found an explicit step-by-step list of how to set things up (there were over 30 items). To their credit, they followed it exactly. IP information He had told me during dinner that he had a big client project he was tracking that would require him to be on the phone. In reality, he was texting back and forth with our friends, giving them clarification, telling them where to find things, etc. The set-up of the house took most of the two hours we were at dinner. They left a few minutes before we got home.

He’s quite charming, once you get to know him….

While many men seem to be missing the romance gene (one of the many reasons I offer the Design-A-Date service), they are out there, though you wouldn’t know them on first glance. I had no idea that my sweetie would be the flowers-and-candy type when I met him. Most of the women I know who desperately want a boyfriend like him wouldn’t have given him the time of day had he answered their ad. Hell, it was a bit of a fluke that we even started having a conversation: he wrote a brief initial email that I normally would have ignored, but I disagreed with one of his statements and ended up replying to him. And he is a completely different man from the one who shuffled in to our first date 20 minutes late with a sad expression and a horrible shirt. He definitely didn’t step out from his horse-drawn carriage, in a tuxedo, tossing rose petals in his wake. Yet women will ignore the guys who might have that potential all the time, instead wanting the fully realized version. It used to be that a staple of fairy tales was that sometimes the frog or the ogre would turn into a handsome prince, but that seems to have been forgotten. Transformation is the cornerstone of the Hero’s Journey.

I cannot take responsibility for the person he is today – he did that on his own. He often says that he took a chance with me because he had lost so much by the time we had met that he felt he had nothing left to lose. Accepting someone, and appreciating them for what they do bring to the table, might inspire them to grow and change.

Hey, ladies, would you like to see my horn?

A friend recently said that looking for a decent boyfriend was like searching for a unicorn. My unicorn looked like an old, tired nag that was about to be sent to the glue factory when I met him. But he had good teeth, and good hooves, a strong heart and several years of life left in him. I took him home, gave him some food and water, untangled his mane and – lo and behold! – there was the horn, peeking out from under his forelock. I’m guessing he’s not the only guy out there who doesn’t look like a great catch on first glance, but who turns out to be exactly the sort of guy women are dying to date. Perhaps it’s worth hitting “reply” next time a guy who doesn’t seem to be all that sends a message to you from the dating site. Who knows? Perhaps you could find yourself walking into your house and finding it transformed into a romantic fantasy.

(NOTE: The day following the publication of this blog post, I came across this article on the history of the unicorn. Apparently the unicorn was the product of a game of telephone that transformed the lowly rhinoceros into the mythical beast. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere….)

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Epiphany Jordan

Last week I was chatting online with a friend who had recently ended a relationship. For the past several months she had been grappling with whether or not to keep dating a man who was very emotionally available and loving, but who didn’t challenge her intellectually. Her mind won out over her heart, and she was single once again.

I mentioned that my boyfriend and I had in mind three different guys to set up with another mutual friend who had recently separated from her husband. My friend asked me if I had anyone to set her up with. I always keep a running tally in my head of all my single friends, male and female, and introduce them when I feel like there might be potential for love. I cast about in my head for someone who might be suitable; this particular friend had been looking for “her guy” for quite a while, and has met most of my single male friends over the years. I suggested a man I knew who she had never met, who seemed to fit her criteria. Intelligent? Check. Emotionally available? Check. On a spiritual path? Check. He had dated another woman whose opinion I respected a while back, and she had given him the thumbs up, both in and out of bed.

After I described him, she rejected him. “Too old, probably,” was her excuse. Would they have made a good match? I certainly don’t know. But to reject someone outright without even meeting him doesn’t seem like an invitation for love to come and find you.

Almost every person I know who is single, regardless of age or gender, is struggling with trying to find a partner. Sorting through the sheer number of possibilities, and trying to filter for those who may be compatible, is an exhausting process. A radically different strategy is needed to find love in this day and age. Here are a few things that have worked for me, and others, who have found the holy grail of love.

Letting go: it’s not just for Disney princesses.

Be free: Do you want to be in a relationship more than anything else in the world? Is this the only item on your letter to Santa? If so, the best thing you can do is make peace with your singlehood. Truly accept that you might spend your entire life alone without a man to love you. I believe that fear of being alone is the greatest barrier to love. While I think everyone deserves love, no one is entitled to it. And focusing on some imaginary thing in the future that may or may not happen keeps you from experiencing the love that makes up the fabric of time and space, the love that’s in front of you all the time, the love that is much greater than anything one person can give you. “I love my life, but…” doesn’t cut it. Let it go. Really let it go. Don’t just say it, feel it in your heart and mean it. I’ve seen this strategy work countless times. One friend met her husband on New Year’s Eve literally five minutes after she declared that she was done with trying to find men.

Be open-hearted: Now that you’ve banished the fear of being alone, and are able to be present right where you are, let yourself feel all the love that surrounds us. Women often say, “when I meet the right person, I’ll open my heart and fall in love.” That’s backwards. You have to open your heart before you can meet the right person. Look at two people. One is walking around with an empty cup and saying, “please, I’m so thirsty – will you fill my cup?” The other one has a cup that is overflowing and saying, “I have so much to drink, I want to share it with everybody! Here, try some!” Which person are you more likely to be attracted to? Like attracts like. Be the lover you want.

Free your mind, and the rest will follow.

Be open-minded: What constitutes the “right person”? Usually what women have on their list is the superficial shit. A list like this only limits you; what looks good might not feel good; what you want very likely is not what you need. Things like consistency, loyalty, kindness and empathy can’t be discovered on a first date…or a second. Get rid of your expectations of what the perfect person looks like. Change your daily routines. Date guys who are totally not your type. If you go on a date and your response is, “well, I wasn’t crazy about him but I didn’t hate him,” go out with him again. Let the universe surprise you, and love will likely show up packaged in a way you never expected.

Be engaged: erotic energy runs through every level of creation. Playing with this current will make your life more enjoyable on a moment-to-moment basis. Interact and engage with the world. Wear clothes that scream your presence and invite curiosity, connection and conversation from those whose paths you cross. Smile and look people in the eye. Offer compliments; make people feel good about themselves. Flirt with plants, the wind, that cute eggplant at the grocery store, little kids, old men (they will love you for it). The world – your world – will be a more vivid and happy place because of it…and you might find yourself engaging with someone who is a potential romantic interest.

Hop on in and let me take you for a ride….

Be available: Every day I run across women who say they want to be in a relationship, but their behavior says anything but. It’s kind of like being a cab driver who is looking for fares but doesn’t have their “available” light on, and they wonder why no one flags them down. You can’t send mixed signals out to the universe about your availability. Either you want love, or you don’t. Saying “yes, but” is shorthand for “I’m not open to it.” And so, you keep driving in circles while other cabbies make their money.

Be a hot mess: I am. You are. We all are. Don’t hide it from potential partners. It’s part of being human. If you accept yourself as flawed, you’re more likely to accept another’s flaws. And then you can each love these tender, wounded little kids you’re carrying around inside of you (you know, the ones mommy and daddy didn’t love right when said kids were little) and heal some of that huge rift between men and women. That’s the good shit, right there.

Be realistic: Refusing to settle” is often code for “I want an absolutely gorgeous man with a killer stock portfolio and a loving heart.” Do such creatures exist? Yep, I’ve met a couple of ‘em, but they are few and far between. And pretty much every single woman between the ages of 18 and 65 is looking for that guy. Even if this stereotypical fantasy doesn’t match your own about who Mr. Right is, there is definitely a dearth of strong, solid men with open hearts. If you look for the guys who know they want a more modern model of relationship, as opposed to the guys who are already there, you open up so many possibilities. The sweet, loving man I love today is unrecognizable from the shut-down, frightened man I met almost three years ago. He was lurking in there somewhere, but had closed himself off so much that he needed someone else to show him that it was okay to live and love. Caterpillars do turn into butterflies.

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em….

Be willing to gamble: You cannot have great love without great risk. Going into a potential relationship holding back and trying to play it safe will only connect you to others who do the same. Vulnerability has been a hot word the past couple years, but its literal meaning is capable of being wounded or hurt. If you aren’t willing to allow for the possibility that your heart could be broken into a million pieces, it’s unlikely that you will find a person who wants to cherish your heart. And finding true love DOES inevitably include utter heartbreak: what if your partner dies before you, is in a freak car accident or gets cancer? I have a close friend who met a man much younger than her. Despite the fact that she knew it wasn’t going to work out (he wanted children, and she had just finished raising her son), she fearlessly kept dating him and didn’t play it safe. I attended their wedding last month.

Be ready to work: In the fairy tales, as soon as your eyes lock with your soulmate’s, all your problems are solved. You never need to do another therapy session because your true love will accept you just the way you are. Sorry to burst your bubble, but the hard work is just beginning. You will be learning different things with a partner than you do alone, but the evolution, growth and change do not stop. Once the honeymoon is over, your partner will push your buttons so well that you will think your parents gave him a detailed instruction manual on how to best get on your nerves. A relationship will put you on the fast track to work on your shit. It requires enormous courage, awareness, tenderness, patience and forgiveness. It is a fucking part-time job, and it is not for pussies. The good news? There are huge opportunities for becoming a better, more compassionate, more self-aware human being than you ever thought possible.

What would happen if you just let go?

Be prepared to surrender: People are busy as shit these days. Finding someone who will “fit in” to your Google calendar is probably not in the cards. If you aren’t willing to skip a yoga class or two, eat something that’s not on your stringent diet or travel to a different part of town to meet a potential partner, it’s unlikely you will be willing to let love alter the fantasy future you have envisioned for yourself. Falling in love will re-arrange your life molecularly, from the bottom to the top, in big ways and small. For the past 50 years, women have been learning to take care of themselves and not to depend on men for security. Economic freedom has allowed us to be in control of our lives and our destinies. Love asks us to say yes to interdependence, to create partnerships and to allow others to care for us. Being open to love means willingly giving up our control, and getting something much greater in return. Stop struggling to cling to the banks as the current tugs you; let the raging water carry you to the place of calm.

No predictions?

Posted on December 10, 2014 by Epiphany Jordan

A lot of the tarot readings I do are party gigs. The host pays an up-front fee for me to show up and give three-card readings to the guests for a specific amount of time. ask a nurse . Because I’m part of the entertainment, I usually wind up reading for lots of people who have never had a tarot reading before, and would never seek out such a thing.

Oftentimes they sit down and want to know what their future holds, and they are surprised when I tell them that they won’t be learning about their future from me. I know there are readers out there who do see the future, or claim to see it, but I’ve never worked that way. To me, the present is much more interesting and relevant…and can help you create the future you want.

I view tarot as a mirror; it only shows you back to yourself. You may not like what you see when you look in the mirror, but it’s good to have an objective outside opinion about why things are the way they are. Actually, that is not entirely accurate – the person sitting in front of me picks out the cards, so it’s a reflection of what you might need to know/hear in the moment.

One of the most popular questions I get is about romance.

Osho Zen Tarot Lovers card. Often the Lovers encourages you to love yourself.

Single people always want to know when they are going to meet the love of their life. If I were a more traditional tarot reader, I might say something like, “two weeks from now, you’ll be sitting at the bus stop and a guy in a blue backpack will walk up and strike up a conversation with you. He is your next boyfriend.” And the person getting the reading hops off on their merry way, convinced that they have to do nothing other than sit back and relax and wait for this guy to show up (and likely too they will come back and get another reading soon – after all, the reader made them feel happy).

So what if this really does happen, and the person getting the reading does meet this knight in shining backpack, and starts a relationship? Usually, things can click along well for about 3-4 months…and then the same relationship problems start happening again. The same problems experienced in the last relationship. Why is this? Doesn’t meeting the man of your dreams make everything okay?

Yeah…not so much. When I get asked this question, the answer might have to do with a fear of intimacy or rejection, an inability to be vulnerable, not noticing when people are interested or baggage from a previous relationship that needs to be given closure. Because ultimately, the only person you can control is you. And doesn’t it make more sense to work on the aspects of your own heart and mind instead of waiting for someone else to come along and fix it for you? It’s usually the opposite that happens: rather than fix it, once the honeymoon period wears off a new love interest will bring the problems to the forefront of our consciousness. Every. Single. Time. Why not get a jump on working on them?

Longer readings (which I vastly prefer doing) are designed to delve deeply into a single question and bringing many aspects of the issue to light. People often tell me that it feels like a year’s worth of therapy, or a time-release capsule which will continue to yield information long after the reading is over. I won’t solve your problems for you, but I will definitely make you think…and keep you thinking.

There’s little in the way of mysticism or magic to what I do. Rather, it’s just a game of connect-the-dots. You can take the information in, digest it and decide when/if you want to make a change. Maybe it’s easier in the short run to have someone else tell you how it’s all going to turn out, but growth, change, healing and evolution yield much better results.

Just as the tarot is a mirror, so is the world around you. Our experiences, thoughts and feelings (especially in the arena of love) manifest back to us. If we’re not paying attention to the parts that are hidden in shadows, they can often show up in unpleasant ways. Why not take a good, long, hard look, at the parts that are good and the parts that are bad, and reshape them into something beautiful and sustaining?

Aliens Among Us

Posted on April 17, 2014 by Epiphany Jordan

(This piece was written for/performed at the April 2014 Bedpost Confessions.)

Take me to your leader….

Esteemed members of the Xelara grand counsel, thank you for allowing me to report on Project Propagation. As you know, Xelara is always on the lookout for fresh blood to interject into our population. Interbreeding has allowed us to thrive; we are one of the most envied races in all the galaxies, and not just because of our incredible taste in footwear and ability to bilocate. Unfortunately, if we don’t find a new humanoid race to breed with soon, we will deteriorate into a race of inbred dullards. Like you, I was very excited to discover the planet referred to as Earth in a solar system about 10 galaxies away. On first glance, its inhabitants seem ideal for our purposes – they are physically beautiful, with well-developed brains and an advanced civilization. But when I walked among them, and observed their customs and practices with regard to mating, well, I realized that I cannot recommend that we interbreed with them. This report will outline my findings.

I gathered my information during a 3-month stay on the planet. I chose to embed myself in a city in the northern hemisphere known as Austin, Texas. Texas is the second-largest state in a country known as America, and Austin is its capital. The weather is hot for most of the year, and people often socialize outdoors while scantily clad. It is also home to the University of Texas, the largest institution of higher learning in America. Much of this report comes from observing its students, who are amongst the best and brightest in the country. Unfortunately, their formal education regarding mating is woefully neglected, and they learn about sex from their media. They spend most of their time with their eyes glued to electronic devices, even when they are studying or visiting with friends.

Counsel members. Scary doesn’t even begin to describe what these children learn, and how it manifests in their sex lives. I was shocked, and saddened, by their attempts to mate. Please allow me to elucidate.

I first turn your attention to the females. From the time they are born, girls are bombarded with the message that their worth is based solely upon their appearance. Through the thorough application of the color pink, they learn that to be female is to be soft, demure, agreeable and – above all – pretty. They are told tales of princesses whose faces are so fair that every person and forest creature in the realm loves her, and that their beauty will attract a handsome prince. This prince will be her soulmate and it is their destiny to be together. (tried as I might, I could never figure out what sex had to do with shoes?) Both of them recognize this connection from the first moment their eyes meet, and finding the prince means the princess will live happily ever after. (Apparently soulmates agree on everything and never argue.)

And they lived happily ever after…not.

As these girls grow into women, they spend more and more time obsessing about their appearance. They constantly battle with their weight, and despair when they gain a fraction of an ounce. They are expected to reach an ideal of physical perfection that few possess naturally, and when they don’t, their self-esteem crumbles away. (This made no sense to me, an intelligent mind is the most erotic feature of a female.) While hormones rage through their bodies, they are told to abstain from sex, that it is something so special that it is reserved for their one and only soulmate. But they must wait for him to appear, and remain chaste and pure. If they don’t, they will end up being as worthless as a piece of previously chewed gum. (I know, I know…previously chewed gum is considered a delicacy on our planet!) When the prince does appear, he professes his undying love with an extremely expensive piece of rock for her finger so that everyone will know that she is worthy because this man finds her beautiful. The battle cry of the princess who has yet to meet her soulmate is “put a ring on it” or rather, put a ring on it (whispered).

The mating ritual that comes next is called a wedding. Everything a girl has done has led to this magical moment, and many girls spend years fantasizing about the ritual and the dress. (Rarely have I seen so many ugly dresses in all my life; the brides often looked like they were sitting in a pile of sugar.) Never mind that the girls have yet to find their soulmates; that is a minor detail that will come later on. Of course everyone can see how eternal, perfect, amazing and beautiful the couple’s union is, and their commitment will be both monogamous and lifelong.

After the ceremony, finally, the two of them mate. It is the female’s first time being sexual. Even though she has been given no opportunities to explore her own sexuality, somehow her prince magically knows just how and where to touch her, and their first night together results in a passionate union. She allows herself to fully flower as a woman under the strong, masculine guidance of her prince, and of course they reach their climax at the same time. It is as amazing as every story she read promised her it would be. And she just knows that this is only the beginning, and that their sex life will only continue to get better and more intimate. She and the prince will be utterly, passionately devoted to each other until they are in their old age, and they sit contentedly holding hands, surrounded by their children and grandchildren. The story always ends in happily ever after. Maybe they never die?

This story is in great contrast to the one the males are told. From an early age, they learn that to be a man means they have to lock up their emotions and their hearts. The men on earth often have higher sex drives than the women, and during puberty their bodies appear to vibrate with pent-up sexual tension. Because the girls are not supposed to have sex with the boys, the boys often satisfy themselves with visual entertainment and self-pleasure. There is a huge market for sex videos; it is one of the biggest industries on the planet, and men learn about sex from watching them. In these videos, the women were uniformly attractive, devoid of genital hair and had large, round, firm breasts like balloons. They always wore very tall high heels; perhaps these were the shoes that indicate whether or not a woman is a man’s soulmate?

Because every boy deserves the threesome of his dreams….

From watching these films, the males learn that they are entitled to have sex with any woman they choose and that within five minutes of meeting her, she will pull her clothes off and be available to them. (Most of the time she will bring along a friend as well and the man can watch them have sex too.) It seems that the only function women serve is to satisfy men sexually, and the women have no life or identity outside of that role! In many of the movies, they didn’t even have a name. Apparently on earth, conversation is not an aphrodisiac.

The sexual acts depicted in films are frequently degrading, and they are devoid of any emotion or connection. The women tended to scream very loudly, though I couldn’t tell if it was from pleasure or pain. While it is possible that some of the women in these films are enjoying themselves, many of them have glazed looks in their eyes, and their enthusiasm appears to be faked. When the man is satisfied, he will pull out and spill his seed over the woman’s body or face. (perhaps this was some sort of special skin treatment?) The popularity of these films led me to believe that men who are fathers would be very proud to see their own daughters appearing in such films.

Xelara Grand counsel members, I can see by your faces that you are as shocked as I was. There were many times I wondered how this race survived and replicated itself. It is almost as if the males and the females are from two different planets, speaking different languages. In contrast to these contented images the media portrayed, I saw anger, frustration, sadness, pain and loneliness as young people learned that their fantasies and expectations rarely matched up with the reality. Reproduction is often unplanned and accidental, and done without consciousness, and the family unit frequently disintegrates, leaving the children heartbroken and yearning to create their own ideal fantasy relationships. And thus the cycle starts all over again.

As you know, our race lives to be about 200, and we have collectively decided that each person should be allowed to have one child. As such, we make sure that when we do choose to breed, the child will be planned and the product of a well-matched couple. Our race is known across the galaxy for our prowess in sexuality. Sex is always a gift, something beautiful, wondrous and fleeting to be cherished and remembered. It is an honor and a privilege when another allows himself to be naked and vulnerable in front of you, and we take that responsibility very seriously. We spend years cultivating connections with others, and passion and intimacy flourish in all sorts of configurations. While it is possible that two individuals will commit to each other for a lifetime, we recognize that people’s wants and needs change, and that the spark of eroticism might lead us into the arms of others. As we age, we develop a network of close, sweet friends and lovers who nurture us and expand our capacity for love and pleasure.

Sex that involves hearts and parts tastes delicious.

The only thing better than to know oneself sexually is to know another sexually. It can take a lifetime to find the right people. We can spend years getting to know a person. We take our time and let the attraction build prior to acting on it; with 200 years, there is never a need to hurry. When you meet someone, there’s usually one physical thing that attracts you: the deepness of her voice, or maybe his soft belly. But most important is how a person smells: when we hug another for the first time and put our faces in the nape of their neck, we are seeking those whose scent is as intoxicating as a field of spring flowers in bloom, and we want to drown in a bathtub of that perfume. We want someone whose arms fit perfectly around our waists, and whose heads rest under our chins, like our bodies are two puzzle pieces that fit together. Sex is our playground; it’s the place where we can exchange our everyday archetypes, masks and personas for different ones, where we can laugh and giggle, tease and experiment. We look for the people whose bodies, hearts and souls combine to give us pleasure that overwhelms and shuts outs the rest of the world, who make our nervous systems light up like a Christmas tree with every touch. As women, we seek the cock that fits like a hand in a glove, and will hit that special, tender spot that is so intense it feels like it’s tickling our soul. We cling to our partners as if they were the last person alive, every cell of our bodies seeking to get closer, trying desperately to merge into one. Our souls overflow the boundaries of our bodies. The friction builds, and the pleasure becomes almost unbearable, washing over us like waves until they finally reach the shore. And when we’re done, and we hold each other, laughing, crying, sweating, sighing and smiling, we can look into each other’s eyes, and see our reflection, and know we are animal, humanoid and divine.

Xelara Grand Counsel Members, it is my greatest wish that the people of Austin, Texas would stop listening to the lies their media tells them. Great sex isn’t about the hottest girl doing the most outrageous thing, or how beautiful a woman looks on her wedding day. Great sex is as individual as a fingerprint. Perhaps these children will untether themselves from their electronic devices, learn to follow their noses and – most importantly – think for themselves. Let’s hope for their sake that someday, they do.

Thank you for allowing me to present this report. I am happy to explore other planets and species that might be good for Project Propagation. Surely, somebody out there must be doing it right.

Your loyal servant, Xensana

Fluidity

Posted on November 6, 2013 by Epiphany Jordan

Recently I finished reading Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desires by Lisa Diamond. In it, she posits the theory that women’s sexual orientation tends to be less fixed than men’s, and that often women find themselves falling in love with other women (or men, if they identify as lesbian) at various points in their lives. Nicentbatcardta There can be many reasons for this; some of the women considered themselves bisexual from the get-go, others found themselves in circumstances where they developed a close relationship with a person different from the gender they were usually attracted to, still others fell in love because of who the person was, not what they were. The conclusion is that for women, relationships are complicated (well, duh).

As a straight woman who spent the better part of her adult life alone, I spent many years wishing that I was sexually attracted to women. While it’s true that the grass is always greener, it seemed like being able to have more options is always a good thing when it comes to sex (not to mention that it highly increases opportunities for fun and pleasure in many different configurations). And at least one of the factors Diamond discusses in the book is already present for me: I have incredible, intimate, beautiful, deep friendships with many of my women friends. It seems like it would be simple to make that leap from friendship to something more erotic.

Sadly, it doesn’t seem to work that way for me. I’ve had more than one situation where I was sexually attracted to women friends, but when I tried to act on it, there was no erotic charge. I describe it as two magnets pushing away from each other. It just doesn’t seem to work for me, much as I would like it to. Diamond talks about male sexual orientation being more hard-wired, that men seem to not have this fluidity in their sexuality (or perhaps it’s just suppressed by our society’s general discomfort with intimacy between men).

Because, of course, lesbian relationships are meaningless if they don't turn straight guys on.

Because, of course, lesbian sex is meaningless if it doesn’t conform to heterosexual male beauty standards.

I do think, though, as a concept, sexual fluidity among women is one that can gain some serious traction. Every day I talk to women around the country who are frustrated with their lack of prospects in the dating world. I have many beautiful, successful friends and acquaintances who are left asking “what’s wrong with me that I can’t meet someone?” Mostly it seems to be a supply and demand problem: huge supply of eligible women making a large demand on a small supply of eligible men. Couple that with the fact that with online dating, women in their 40s and 50s are now competing with women in their 20s and 30s for the same pool of men, and it starts looking sad.

I especially think the idea of having women as partners is an appealing one for older women who have gone through menopause and have found their sex drive disappears. Of course this doesn’t happen to every woman – many women find their sex drives going up when the specter of pregnancy is out of the picture – but for those who have little to no interest in sex, why not open things up a bit more? It seems like many women would have better luck at finding someone who was a good companion, shared their interests, was emotionally supportive and had many of the qualities they were looking for in a partner if they were going for women. This especially makes sense when women get much, much older: personally, I don’t want to be competing with 9 other women for 1 man in a nursing home. This concept was popular in the late 1800s in the form of Boston Marriages, where single women living in the city would share a home and resources because they couldn’t afford to live on their own. Some of them were likely lesbians, but I’m guessing that many of them were doing it for other reasons.

I guess the old paradigms die hard. Earlier this year, my boyfriend and I talked about getting married so I could get on his health insurance (a very good reason to marry, in my book). Inevitably when I mentioned this to my women friends, their eyes would light up at the thought of us having a big, romantic wedding. It’s entirely possible that it will go down that way, but both of us have already done that, and are looking at things from a more practical standpoint. For many years, marriage was a business contract, but we have moved very far from that idea. Women now spend all their time dreaming about a big wedding, while neglecting to put much thought into the marriage that will come after it. domain information . Sadly, a fancy wedding rarely guarantees a happily ever after outcome….

Having a relationship for a woman would, I imagine, look like failure for many. The practicalities of partnership often take a back seat to romance in the mind of many. I can understand why this might be – after all, we are spoon-fed stories about Prince Charming from the time we are young. travel tool But perhaps it’s time to be more realistic. There’s a whole lot of Cinderellas out there who are waiting for the dude with the glass slipper to show up, and they may end up waiting a very long time….

The first year is the hardest

Posted on January 6, 2012 by Epiphany Jordan

One year ago today, I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. I had countless people tell me how hard this first year would be, and they weren’t kidding. My heart has never hurt so much, and I think I could have raised the level of Lake Travis by a couple of inches with all the tears I have shed.

The tears just kept coming….

While I didn’t shy away from my pain and grief, I didn’t deliberately wallow in it either. There was just so, so much of it. I would cry when I woke up, run out of my office in the middle of the day to hug a giant oak tree behind my building and sob, curl up in bed with the cats and scream into my pillow, wake up in the middle of the night with tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt traumatized and vulnerable and withdrew from the world. After the first couple months, it let up a bit, but there were weeks when the tears and the sadness would return, and I would beat myself up all over again, wondering aloud to friends how I could have made such a poor decision, and trying to figure out why I waited so long to leave. Another friend who is splitting up with her husband calls these weeks contraction weeks, as the world shrinks into blackness and grief, but we are birthing new selves instead of babies.

My decision looked somewhat sudden, but I don’t think it was completely unexpected, though it seemed to take him off guard. (In retrospect, my timing could have been better, but I don’t think there’s ever a good time to break it off.) I had been unhappy with our marriage for quite a while. Things had come to a head when he had left town for a 2-month project the previous August, leaving me all the responsibilities of our shared life, an unfinished remodel and an extreme case of sexual frustration (he got distracted the night before he left and we didn’t have sex). We had been together for six years, married for four, and I was looking down the long road of together forever and wondering if the path was worth walking, or if I should take the off-ramp. He didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life, and was making no effort to figure it out. He didn’t want to work, go to school or start a business. He didn’t want to take care of himself, and requests for action were met with…nothing. I realized that I was exhausted from taking care of my boss and keeping his life organized all day long, and then coming home and doing the same for my husband.

(And then there was the whole non-monogamy monkey wrench, but that is a story for another day.)

It started to feel like I was trying to walk down the road and dragging his unconscious body behind me. As I made an assessment of the issues that we had, I realized that a lot of the problems came from the fact that we wanted different things out of life, and that this was the source of many of our power struggles, or that the needs I felt were unfulfilled could not be met by him because of who he was at his core. Friends told me constantly that I couldn’t change him. I know that, I responded, and that’s not the problem. The problem is that he doesn’t want to change himself. He was stuck, unhappy with his own life, and this inertia was happening at my expense. In my mind, marriage is a partnership, and both people need to contribute to it. Without that, it becomes a gargantuan chore.

I’m not ready for my sex life to be over….

It’s entirely possible that I will be single for the rest of my life – there’s no shortage of single, independent middle-aged women out there that men seem to have no interest in. I am fortunate in that I had spent many years on my own, and enjoy my own company, so the shock of suddenly living alone wasn’t so shocking. (We had actually transitioned from living in separate houses to living together a couple of years before, and I was overjoyed to have my space back.) Saturday nights are the worst; I can usually find something to do during the week, but weekend nights, not so much. My world dwindled away to nothing but work and home, and it’s just now started to open up again. But being able to keep up with my busy life without having to take care of someone else is a godsend. I feel like I gave so much of myself away, and lost so much of myself in this relationship. It’s nice to be getting those parts of myself back, and regaining my energy, my center, my equilibrium and my essence.

I still see him or talk to him occasionally. He would like to remain friends, but I see little reason to keep him in my life. personal cloud . He moved in with his girlfriend before we were even divorced, and as near as I can tell, he has continued with the pattern of doing nothing. He would like me to keep him informed about the lives of people he knew through me, but it’s no longer my job to do so – if it’s important to him, he can keep up with them on his own. He has little to add to the conversation: no interests, no hobbies, no passions. What is there to talk about now that we don’t share a life? He’s a sweet man, with a huge heart, and I hope he finds his way in the world. But it’s no longer my job to help him do so, or to keep him entertained and amused while he sits around (they make TV’s for that).

Do I regret marrying? Some days, very much so. Like so many women, I wanted that walk down the aisle, and the beautiful dress and the big party. I had bought into the romantic fantasy of happily ever after. And so in the end, I just have to take the lessons I’ve learned, and write another fairy tale…one that doesn’t involve being rescued by a handsome prince.