Yer Cheatin’ Heart

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Epiphany Jordan

As a woman who has looked for casual sex online, I’m no stranger to getting propositioned by married men. The excuses were all over the place, though the conversation rarely went far. I had little interest in cheaters; I’ve got a strong sense of sisterhood, and I would never want to cause another woman the emotional pain that cheating does. But that didn’t stop them from trying. I had plenty of them try to convince me it was okay. Maybe for them, but for me? Not so much.

(True confession: twice when I was in my 30s I knowingly slept with a married man, and once stepped out on a college boyfriend during a time we were mostly broken up. Like everyone, I like to think that I’m capable of growth and change, and of learned to discern right from wrong. The last couple of times I found myself in the dating pool, I wasn’t interested in sleeping with cheaters. If that makes my opinions unworthy because I’m a cheating hypocrite, so be it.)

Still, on the occasions I did talk with men about it, I heard a lot of stories that weren’t quite as black and white as we’d like to believe cheating is. Plenty of guys are stuck in what I call monogabacy: they are in monogamous relationships that have turned celibate. Several of them talked about still loving and wanting to have sex with their wives, but continually getting the cold shoulder; others talked about their deep love for their children, and how their marriages were decent other than the sex part. Men who couldn’t leave their spouses for economic reasons (both their own and their partners), or guys whose wives had health problems. Many of them felt guilty for what they were doing, but figured sleeping with a woman they met online was less onerous than hiring a sex worker.

And yes, there were plenty of men who were horndogs who just wanted to fuck a bunch of different women, and made no bones about it.

I don’t know if other women typically slam the email door in cheaters’ faces, but I suspect they do. If the huge number of men looking for extra-marital sex in every corner of the internet is any indication, many of them are looking fruitlessly. It’s no wonder they got lured in by the promise of hot, available pussy on Ashley Madison. If the statistics are correct, and anywhere between 1 in 5 and 1 in 2 men have consummated an affair, then there are a lot of married men out there who are unhappy with their sex lives. And sexually dissatisfied men in marriages are usually partnered with sexually dissatisfied women.

Men have long enjoyed non-consensual non-monogamy. For thousands of years, men have visited prostitutes, kept mistresses or married multiple women. While countless women have suffered because of this, there was little they could do: women had no choice but to stay with their husbands, because divorce wasn’t an option. (And let’s not forget that prior to the 20^th century, sex often resulted in more children; perhaps it was a relief to have their husbands getting their needs met elsewhere so they didn’t find themselves pregnant again.) For women to cheat could meant death or being ostracized. I have no doubt that there were men who remained faithful to their wives, and couples who enjoyed passionate, erotic connections, but they were probably the exception, not the rule.

Let me clarify: I am by no means condoning cheating here. There are few things harder to bear than betrayal by someone to whom you’ve opened your heart and made yourself vulnerable. Cheating rarely ends well for any of the parties involved, and make things a whole lot harder and more complicated if/when it’s discovered. I don’t think cheating is the solution to the problems we collectively seem to have with marriage, monogamy and commitment, though, as stated above, it’s a solution men have chosen repeatedly throughout the ages.

I’ve had many female friends who have experienced cheating get triggered by the Ashley Madison leaks as they remembered the pain they experienced when they had discovered a cheating spouse, and they inevitably sided with the women who were about to find out that they too had been betrayed (although, to be fair, I’d wager to guess that not too many folks were actually hooking up through the website).

While I wasn’t interested in being a party to men cheating on their wives, I could certainly understand how they got to that point. I, too, had been an unwilling participant in monogabacy, with a husband who didn’t want to have sex with me, yet refused to tell me what kind of sex he did want to have, or what needs were going unfulfilled and causing him to turn away from me. I spent many years being cranky and frustrated and patient and sad and angry and confused: I loved my husband, was crazy attracted to him, and wanted to have an intimate, erotic relationship with him.

Instead, I got years of, well, pretty much nothing. He wouldn’t even kiss me most of the time. Regardless, I remained faithful, until I thought it would be a good idea to fix our relationship with polyamory. I tried this route for a year (more on that in a bit), and finally decided to ask him for a divorce. Unlike many other folks in sexually dead marriages, there wasn’t enough else good in the relationship to make me want to give up on sex for good, especially when it had taken me many years to find a partner with whom to share it. I reasoned that if I was going to commit to being monogamous, the sex better be damn good.

While we gleefully moralize, shame and judge those poor bastards who wanted to get laid by someone other than their lawfully wedded wives, we seem to be unwilling to admit that people have sexual needs that are frequently not met in marriage. Life intervenes, and people change. Health concerns, children, aging and stressors with work or family cause our sex drives to ebb and flow. No one should be forced to dispense sex on demand if they aren’t interested in having it, but is it really right to expect that when we commit to another, it may mean giving up on sex altogether? Surely there must be a better solution, some sort of middle ground.

Of course, at this point in our evolution, we have set ourselves up to fail. Despite the fact that the ball of wax that is love, sex and intimacy is the most important part of our lives, we have almost no education about these things. While culturally we worship porn on one end of the spectrum and romance on the other, we aren’t taught how to be present and close to another, how our bodies work, what turns us on, how to deal with conflict and a host of other skills that might prepare us for navigating the uncharted territory that lies between two people. Toss in a healthy dose of shame around our bodies, and make people obsess about their appearance. Teach one sex to be passive about their desires, and ask the other to suppress their emotions. Tell young folks to ignore the hormones surging through their bodies and save themselves for their one true love, and then throw a pair of ‘em together with zero experience, mismatched libidos and an expectation that they will stay committed to each other for fifty years.

What could possibly go wrong?

One of the things I see bandied about constantly in discussions about infidelity is that people shouldn’t commit to monogamy and marriage unless they are ready to commit. The current iteration of what marriage means, and what it’s for, is pretty new. Never in the history of partnering have we put so many hopes and expectations onto the romantic coupling between two people. Our significant other is supposed to be a best friend, a mirror for personal growth, a partner in adventure, a roommate, a support system, a parent to children and – above all – a faithful lover who fulfills all our needs for love, sex and intimacy.

Tear people’s attention away from their soulmate with the obligations of work, friends, daily chores, self-care, family and creative pursuits, and we are putting a lot of strain onto one institution. It’s little wonder it’s not working out so well. Because our society is oriented toward individuality and success, and downplays the importance of interdependence and relationships, few of us have the time and resources to create a successful partnership we aspire to in marriage. A therapist I know often tells her clients that a relationship is like a part-time job. How many people treat it that way?

I’m curious, too, what this type of honesty makes the dating landscape look like, especially for the many women who seem to be making the strident demands for monogamous marriage and commitment; from what I hear from the dating trenches, there’s already a dearth of such men out there. If we’re insistent that men be more honest about their sexual desires, we can’t be surprised when they tell us that maybe monogamy isn’t for them. Think most of them will choose monogamy? Fair maidens, get thee to the closest gay bar, talk to one of your favorite gay friends, or put a profile up on Grindr and feast thine eyes on male sexuality that doesn’t take women into the equation. It can be pretty damn promiscuous, but most men don’t mind because, well, they’re men. Many gay men in committed relationships don’t equate love with fidelity, and it works out just fine for them.

Of course this gives women a choice about whether or not they are involved with someone who wants/needs multiple partners, but it also leaves them with many fewer partner choices in the pool of available candidates. It’s clear that many men aren’t being open about their desires, but if the number of cheaters is high, like 1 in 2, then that essentially cuts the pool in half.

The desire for monogamy is largely female-driven, though not entirely, and has been linked to biology. (My partner is much more inclined toward monogamy than I am. Good thing I chose a guy who fulfills my sexual needs beautifully.) If women don’t appreciate being forced into anal sex and threesomes by their male partners, men shouldn’t be forced into monogamy by women. Why should women’s emotional desires prevail over men’s sexual needs, especially since the current setup doesn’t seem to be making either gender happy and sexually satisfied? Perhaps the women who feel that modern life leaves them too stressed and distracted to have and enjoy sex, and just seek companionship and a life partner, are better off partnering with other women (and keeping their Hitachi Magic Wands close by).

Diamonds, you’re no longer a girl’s best friend.

I’ve also heard a lot of people say that in addition to being honest, if married folks want to seek extra-marital sex they should just be open about it. From personal experience and watching many others, polyamory is not only a poor option for fixing a relationship, it exacerbates existing problems in horrible ways. When my husband and I tried it at my request during the last year of my marriage, I thought it would be a good solution. I was a perfect candidate: I worked part time, was child-free, had a good sense of boundaries and am not overly jealous. We were in good shape financially. I had plenty of friends who were practicing consensual non-monogamy, and had spent a ton of time studying alternative relationship styles.

Instead of getting my sexual, emotional and intellectual needs met, I found myself going on lots of dates but not clicking with anyone. (Plenty of guys want to get laid, but not many want to be in a relationship with a married women, even if her husband says he’s on board with it.) Meanwhile, my husband got into a serious relationship with another woman immediately.

I ended up spending a lot of time managing his schedule and supporting him in being successful with her, adding yet one more item to my to-do list. It did nothing to address the problems we were having between the two of us – I felt increasingly isolated and frustrated and lonely. And because he was getting his emotional needs met elsewhere with someone who was still new and fresh, he neglected to put any work into our relationship. The month before I decided to leave, I asked him to stop seeing her and focus on what was going on between us, putting her in a painful position as well. (He immediately went back to dating her after we split up, and continued to date her for a few years.)

Consensual non-monogamy is a lot of work, and for women who are already carrying a heavy emotional load with partners and children, it’s probably not a viable option. I have friends who manage to pull it off successfully, but they are few and far between. If people don’t have the time and bandwidth to deal with the relationship issues they already have, adding more people and complexity usually just makes it worse.

And let’s talk about honesty for a minute. While being honest throughout your relationship is a good thing, the honesty needs to be there from the beginning. Actually, the honesty needs to be there long before we get involved with anybody. People who don’t want to be monogamous must be honest about those needs with themselves first. If our libidos are low, we long to be tied up, or we’re attracted to several genders, we owe it to our partners to come clean about our desires, even if it reduces the number of potential partners.

Sex certainly isn’t the only part of a relationship, but it can consume so much of our lives when it’s out of whack. And if we hold the expectation that our life partner is going to fulfill all our sexual needs, then maybe we need to prioritize finding the person who delights us in bed. Of course there are many factors that go into evaluating a potential life mate, but sexual compatibility needs to be much higher on our list, even – and especially – if that compatibility means sex is something we want only once a month.

Recently I met a woman in her mid-20s who had hooked up with a guy who told her that he liked his ass played with during sex. She was squicked about it and didn’t want to see him again. He had done both of them a favor by being honest about his desires. Doesn’t it make sense for him to meet a woman who says, “awesome! Let me grab my strap-on!” and for her to not to waste her time dating a guy whose desires are a turn-off?

Instead, women will oftentimes think to themselves, “well, he makes great money, and I bet he would be a great dad, so I will keep seeing him and he’ll just have to forego the finger in his ass while we’re making love because I don’t like it.” Because that shit happens ALL THE TIME. Are there sexual compromises in relationships? Yep. But doesn’t it make sense to find someone who is as sexually compatible with you as possible?

Honesty also means getting real about the fact that our sexual needs are not static, and that we may go through periods where our partners can’t or won’t be able to perform. My man and I have these conversations frequently: I’m in perimenopause, and he has some pretty substantial health problems, so we know there is a high chance we will experience a physical disconnect at some point. Since our sexual relationship is vital, and vitally important to both of us, we absolutely need to be able to bring our concerns to each other and know that said concerns will be heard without judgment or guilt. I have no idea what a workaround in this area might look like for us, but being able to acknowledge it and be prepared for it long before it becomes a problem is a relief, especially after being with someone who responded to sexual issues by shutting down communication.

Maybe if we spent more time planning our marriages instead of our weddings, we’d be more successful at making them work.

Perhaps most importantly, we need to become better acquainted with our sexual and intimate selves long before we involve another person. What does a good sex life look like? (Hint: “good sex” usually means something completely different to each of us.) What sort of touch makes your body sing? Can you be vulnerable, in and out of the bedroom? Can you ask for what you need? What are the top 10 fantasies on your sexual bucket list? How do you handle conflict, and what did your family of origin teach you about love and sex? What does an ideal partnership look like, and what does marriage mean? Is it something I actually want? (And yes, I realize that this sort of introspection is more available to those who can afford it. Privilege definitely extends into our bedrooms.) Maybe if we spent more time planning our marriages instead of our weddings, we’d be more successful at making them work.

Do you REALLY want to know what’s inside? Ooops! Too late!

And since we’ve opened Pandora’s box of what marriage is about, maybe it’s time to admit that it’s unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all our needs, not just for sex but also for intimacy, emotional support, childrearing, leisure activities, care-giving and day-to-day living. The nuclear family unit has been largely isolating and burdensome for many, especially for women. Perhaps if we extend our definitions of what relationships mean, and our networks of people we can go to when we need something, we can take better care of ourselves and our loved ones and spread out our support systems instead of putting it all at the feet of our one true love.

If we are unwilling and unable to do this, we have two choices: the first is to continue as we are, having expectations based on our ideal relationship fantasies, and being blindsided when our partners and their needs change, and the dissolution of said relationships tear apart our families, both economically and emotionally.

The second is to make sure that when we do choose a partner, we choose someone whose goals and desires match our own and make sure it’s a good match before we commit. I know I didn’t meet the person who rocks my world in and out of bed until I was nearly 50 and had being involved in several long and short relationships. He drives me crazy, and challenges me in many ways (and vice versa), but I have a lot less to “settle for” because I had gotten clear about my own desires, especially sexually. Whether we’re doing some sort of role play and fantasy, having a drawn-out romantic seduction or saying, “hey, let’s have sex,” go in the bedroom, unceremoniously get naked and fuck, the sex we have is deeply satisfying. Monogamy – and continuing to be turned on and horny – hasn’t been hard to do because we fit each other so well sexually.

Of course the second way is risky, and means that we may end up alone because we are being a lot choosier, but that seems to be happening anyhow – look at all the single people out there who don’t have any sort of relationship at all. Even more telling, look at the people who are married and see how few of them seem to be having sexually satisfying marriages.

We have been given an unprecedented opportunity to have some serious conversations as a society about the future of marriage, monogamy, families and faithfulness. Perhaps going forward we can spend a little time considering what it is we need from our partnerships instead of blindly going into them without forethought and having our hearts broken when expectations and reality don’t line up. Is it less romantic to write relationship contracts than to be swept off of our feet? Absolutely. But we have a much better shot at monogamy and marriage if we can define what they mean to us, and can find someone who shares our desires.

Culture of Consensuality

Posted on July 2, 2014 by Epiphany Jordan

(I wrote this several years back. With all the conversation about rape culture, it’s more relevant than ever.)

On Memorial Day weekend in 2007, I had the pleasure of attending a campout in Mendocino with some friends. The space is beautiful: lush gardens, wood-fired hot tubs, a freshwater swimming pool and big trees. My friends have been working and playing together for over 10 years, and know each other well. The flavor of the group has changed in recent years as more people have had children and grown up themselves. They are maturing and changing in a beautiful way. The campout was limited to 150 people, and newbies were limited to only 25% of the population. In addition, the newbies needed to have a sponsor to vouch for them. Social contracts were explicitly spelled out, and it seemed like a very safe space for people to relax and enjoy themselves.

Despite all of these precautions, a woman had her sexual boundaries crossed. It wasn’t a full-out assault, but it was unwelcome and uninvited, and she was shaken by her experience. It definitely skewed her emotions to the negative for the remainder of the weekend.

If this sort of stuff still happens in groups of people who have well-established relationships with each other, what is happening at larger gatherings? I read that there were 12 reported rapes at Burning Man in 2007. Who knows how many lesser forms of sexual boundary-crossing went unreported?

A Burn event is fertile ground for sexual predators. They are lured by the promise of young, hot, half-naked chicks imbibing numerous substances in an environment that is often described as safe, friendly and open. People respond to this sense of relative freedom by letting down their guards. The environment is sexually charged, to say the least. When the predators venture out at night, they often stumble onto groups of E-tards groping each other in cuddle puddles. And while the majority of Burners I’ve met are monogamous, the polyamorous, swingers and mongamish people are well-represented and feel very comfortable flaunting their sexual predilections.

A predator might assume that Burning Man is nothing but wall-to-wall hot women, as far as the eye can see….

Every piece of literature I’ve seen for a Burn event has some sort of guidelines of sexual boundaries. Many people have written many excellent things, but it boils down to one very simple guideline: ASK before you touch. Despite everything we read, though, shit keeps happening. Perhaps actions speak louder than words.

And herein lies the problem. While we are telling people that they need to ask before they touch, we are not doing it ourselves. We are not modeling proper behavior, and then we wonder why people get assaulted. These folks are merely following our lead. We have not created a Culture of Consensuality.

Confused? Of course you are! YOU don’t touch people without first asking! But here’s the deal: you have not asked for consent in the present moment, and in the present moment, the predator is seeing you touch another without asking. Instead of creating a culture of “Ask Before You Touch,” what we have created is a culture of “Do as I Say, Not as I Do.”

In any given situation, there are two perspectives: perception and reality. The perception is how outsiders view the situation; the reality is what exists inside the situation when you dig a bit deeper. Sometimes the two line up, but oftentimes they don’t.

Hypothetical example: my husband and I are out for the evening and want to stop and have a break. We are with a new playmate we met earlier in the day. We have found a comfy spot to make out, and many people have the same idea we do. There is also a guy hanging around looking like a starving homeless man watching people eat in a restaurant.

Now, the reality of it is that my husband has permission to touch me, and has had that permission for years. The playmate gave consent earlier. But the predator knows nothing of our relationship, nor does he particularly care. Do we have a well-established bond? Or were we merely on the same chemical wavelength and enjoying some spontaneous intimacy?

So what does he see? He sees three people touching each other without asking. Actually, he probably sees several people touching without asking. And so, he gets the idea that HE doesn’t have to ask before he touches.

But what if we decided to put the Culture of Consensuality into action? What if we had walked in, sat down and started asking questions like, “Can I kiss you?” “Can I put my hand on your breast?” “Will you play with my nipples?” Perhaps a big light bulb would go on over the predator’s head. “I see! These people ask before they touch each other!” And maybe, just maybe, he will do the same, because when in Rome….

Apparently this dude doesn’t understand the concept of “ask before you touch.”

Of course if somebody is sociopathic and is bound and determined to cross boundaries, he probably will. But I believe this could go a long way toward reducing less egregious violations, and lending a lot of clarity to ambiguous situations. (And wouldn’t you rather be canoodling with someone who actually is into it?)

This may seem overly dramatic, stiffly formal, or less than spontaneous, but it can be fun, and it might save you or someone you love from having an unpleasant experience. (It can also be sexy as hell to have someone vocalize her or his every move.) It is also very simple to do, and can be done by the one person you can actually influence: you. (Besides, I know there are more than a few folks in the Burn community who are prone to exaggerating their characters and assuming different personas. Let your inner drama queen out in a healthy way!)

The Culture of Consensuality does not have to be used only in explicitly sexual situations. It can and should be used as a powerful tool from the moment somebody arrives at an event.

I have seen or heard about greeters ordering all sorts of things from those arriving, from demanding alcohol to arrest-style frisking to a few smacks from a riding crop. Some folks might say no, but most people will go along with this treatment because they are not given the chance, and they think that they have to do as they are told. (Most people, especially women, have little experience with setting their own boundaries. It’s just not something we are taught.)

Remember: if this is a first event for them, they are in an unfamiliar situation and do not know what to expect. For all they know, this is how things operate, and they have arrived at an event where people can and will do all sorts of nasty shit whether you want it or not.

The last Burn event I attended, I was greeted by an inebriated dude who slurred “Welcome home!” while reaching out to give me a sloppy hug. I didn’t have much interest in getting a hug from him, as I abhor sloppy drunks, but it was too late (the ability to read body language is one of the first skills to go whilst imbibing). What if, instead, he had asked me if I wanted a hug? This would have shown me two things: (1) that people ask before they touch, and (2) that each of us is empowered to set our own boundaries, and say yes or no in any given situation.

The Culture of Consensuality can be used each time you meet a new person, even if that person is with a friend of yours. You first ask your friend if you can give them a hug, and then ask the other person. You are modeling the proper behavior for them, and perhaps they will imitate your lead.

I have been frequently asking people if they would like a hug when they meet them, and it tends to make people feel more relaxed and empowered. It is an interesting social experiment, to say the least. And wouldn’t it be fabulous if it actually worked? There’s only one way to find out….

Aliens Among Us

Posted on April 17, 2014 by Epiphany Jordan

(This piece was written for/performed at the April 2014 Bedpost Confessions.)

Take me to your leader….

Esteemed members of the Xelara grand counsel, thank you for allowing me to report on Project Propagation. As you know, Xelara is always on the lookout for fresh blood to interject into our population. Interbreeding has allowed us to thrive; we are one of the most envied races in all the galaxies, and not just because of our incredible taste in footwear and ability to bilocate. Unfortunately, if we don’t find a new humanoid race to breed with soon, we will deteriorate into a race of inbred dullards. Like you, I was very excited to discover the planet referred to as Earth in a solar system about 10 galaxies away. On first glance, its inhabitants seem ideal for our purposes – they are physically beautiful, with well-developed brains and an advanced civilization. But when I walked among them, and observed their customs and practices with regard to mating, well, I realized that I cannot recommend that we interbreed with them. This report will outline my findings.

I gathered my information during a 3-month stay on the planet. I chose to embed myself in a city in the northern hemisphere known as Austin, Texas. Texas is the second-largest state in a country known as America, and Austin is its capital. The weather is hot for most of the year, and people often socialize outdoors while scantily clad. It is also home to the University of Texas, the largest institution of higher learning in America. Much of this report comes from observing its students, who are amongst the best and brightest in the country. Unfortunately, their formal education regarding mating is woefully neglected, and they learn about sex from their media. They spend most of their time with their eyes glued to electronic devices, even when they are studying or visiting with friends.

Counsel members. Scary doesn’t even begin to describe what these children learn, and how it manifests in their sex lives. I was shocked, and saddened, by their attempts to mate. Please allow me to elucidate.

I first turn your attention to the females. From the time they are born, girls are bombarded with the message that their worth is based solely upon their appearance. Through the thorough application of the color pink, they learn that to be female is to be soft, demure, agreeable and – above all – pretty. They are told tales of princesses whose faces are so fair that every person and forest creature in the realm loves her, and that their beauty will attract a handsome prince. This prince will be her soulmate and it is their destiny to be together. (tried as I might, I could never figure out what sex had to do with shoes?) Both of them recognize this connection from the first moment their eyes meet, and finding the prince means the princess will live happily ever after. (Apparently soulmates agree on everything and never argue.)

And they lived happily ever after…not.

As these girls grow into women, they spend more and more time obsessing about their appearance. They constantly battle with their weight, and despair when they gain a fraction of an ounce. They are expected to reach an ideal of physical perfection that few possess naturally, and when they don’t, their self-esteem crumbles away. (This made no sense to me, an intelligent mind is the most erotic feature of a female.) While hormones rage through their bodies, they are told to abstain from sex, that it is something so special that it is reserved for their one and only soulmate. But they must wait for him to appear, and remain chaste and pure. If they don’t, they will end up being as worthless as a piece of previously chewed gum. (I know, I know…previously chewed gum is considered a delicacy on our planet!) When the prince does appear, he professes his undying love with an extremely expensive piece of rock for her finger so that everyone will know that she is worthy because this man finds her beautiful. The battle cry of the princess who has yet to meet her soulmate is “put a ring on it” or rather, put a ring on it (whispered).

The mating ritual that comes next is called a wedding. Everything a girl has done has led to this magical moment, and many girls spend years fantasizing about the ritual and the dress. (Rarely have I seen so many ugly dresses in all my life; the brides often looked like they were sitting in a pile of sugar.) Never mind that the girls have yet to find their soulmates; that is a minor detail that will come later on. Of course everyone can see how eternal, perfect, amazing and beautiful the couple’s union is, and their commitment will be both monogamous and lifelong.

After the ceremony, finally, the two of them mate. It is the female’s first time being sexual. Even though she has been given no opportunities to explore her own sexuality, somehow her prince magically knows just how and where to touch her, and their first night together results in a passionate union. She allows herself to fully flower as a woman under the strong, masculine guidance of her prince, and of course they reach their climax at the same time. It is as amazing as every story she read promised her it would be. And she just knows that this is only the beginning, and that their sex life will only continue to get better and more intimate. She and the prince will be utterly, passionately devoted to each other until they are in their old age, and they sit contentedly holding hands, surrounded by their children and grandchildren. The story always ends in happily ever after. Maybe they never die?

This story is in great contrast to the one the males are told. From an early age, they learn that to be a man means they have to lock up their emotions and their hearts. The men on earth often have higher sex drives than the women, and during puberty their bodies appear to vibrate with pent-up sexual tension. Because the girls are not supposed to have sex with the boys, the boys often satisfy themselves with visual entertainment and self-pleasure. There is a huge market for sex videos; it is one of the biggest industries on the planet, and men learn about sex from watching them. In these videos, the women were uniformly attractive, devoid of genital hair and had large, round, firm breasts like balloons. They always wore very tall high heels; perhaps these were the shoes that indicate whether or not a woman is a man’s soulmate?

Because every boy deserves the threesome of his dreams….

From watching these films, the males learn that they are entitled to have sex with any woman they choose and that within five minutes of meeting her, she will pull her clothes off and be available to them. (Most of the time she will bring along a friend as well and the man can watch them have sex too.) It seems that the only function women serve is to satisfy men sexually, and the women have no life or identity outside of that role! In many of the movies, they didn’t even have a name. Apparently on earth, conversation is not an aphrodisiac.

The sexual acts depicted in films are frequently degrading, and they are devoid of any emotion or connection. The women tended to scream very loudly, though I couldn’t tell if it was from pleasure or pain. While it is possible that some of the women in these films are enjoying themselves, many of them have glazed looks in their eyes, and their enthusiasm appears to be faked. When the man is satisfied, he will pull out and spill his seed over the woman’s body or face. (perhaps this was some sort of special skin treatment?) The popularity of these films led me to believe that men who are fathers would be very proud to see their own daughters appearing in such films.

Xelara Grand counsel members, I can see by your faces that you are as shocked as I was. There were many times I wondered how this race survived and replicated itself. It is almost as if the males and the females are from two different planets, speaking different languages. In contrast to these contented images the media portrayed, I saw anger, frustration, sadness, pain and loneliness as young people learned that their fantasies and expectations rarely matched up with the reality. Reproduction is often unplanned and accidental, and done without consciousness, and the family unit frequently disintegrates, leaving the children heartbroken and yearning to create their own ideal fantasy relationships. And thus the cycle starts all over again.

As you know, our race lives to be about 200, and we have collectively decided that each person should be allowed to have one child. As such, we make sure that when we do choose to breed, the child will be planned and the product of a well-matched couple. Our race is known across the galaxy for our prowess in sexuality. Sex is always a gift, something beautiful, wondrous and fleeting to be cherished and remembered. It is an honor and a privilege when another allows himself to be naked and vulnerable in front of you, and we take that responsibility very seriously. We spend years cultivating connections with others, and passion and intimacy flourish in all sorts of configurations. While it is possible that two individuals will commit to each other for a lifetime, we recognize that people’s wants and needs change, and that the spark of eroticism might lead us into the arms of others. As we age, we develop a network of close, sweet friends and lovers who nurture us and expand our capacity for love and pleasure.

Sex that involves hearts and parts tastes delicious.

The only thing better than to know oneself sexually is to know another sexually. It can take a lifetime to find the right people. We can spend years getting to know a person. We take our time and let the attraction build prior to acting on it; with 200 years, there is never a need to hurry. When you meet someone, there’s usually one physical thing that attracts you: the deepness of her voice, or maybe his soft belly. But most important is how a person smells: when we hug another for the first time and put our faces in the nape of their neck, we are seeking those whose scent is as intoxicating as a field of spring flowers in bloom, and we want to drown in a bathtub of that perfume. We want someone whose arms fit perfectly around our waists, and whose heads rest under our chins, like our bodies are two puzzle pieces that fit together. Sex is our playground; it’s the place where we can exchange our everyday archetypes, masks and personas for different ones, where we can laugh and giggle, tease and experiment. We look for the people whose bodies, hearts and souls combine to give us pleasure that overwhelms and shuts outs the rest of the world, who make our nervous systems light up like a Christmas tree with every touch. As women, we seek the cock that fits like a hand in a glove, and will hit that special, tender spot that is so intense it feels like it’s tickling our soul. We cling to our partners as if they were the last person alive, every cell of our bodies seeking to get closer, trying desperately to merge into one. Our souls overflow the boundaries of our bodies. The friction builds, and the pleasure becomes almost unbearable, washing over us like waves until they finally reach the shore. And when we’re done, and we hold each other, laughing, crying, sweating, sighing and smiling, we can look into each other’s eyes, and see our reflection, and know we are animal, humanoid and divine.

Xelara Grand Counsel Members, it is my greatest wish that the people of Austin, Texas would stop listening to the lies their media tells them. Great sex isn’t about the hottest girl doing the most outrageous thing, or how beautiful a woman looks on her wedding day. Great sex is as individual as a fingerprint. Perhaps these children will untether themselves from their electronic devices, learn to follow their noses and – most importantly – think for themselves. Let’s hope for their sake that someday, they do.

Thank you for allowing me to present this report. I am happy to explore other planets and species that might be good for Project Propagation. Surely, somebody out there must be doing it right.

Your loyal servant, Xensana

Fluidity

Posted on November 6, 2013 by Epiphany Jordan

Recently I finished reading Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desires by Lisa Diamond. In it, she posits the theory that women’s sexual orientation tends to be less fixed than men’s, and that often women find themselves falling in love with other women (or men, if they identify as lesbian) at various points in their lives. Nicentbatcardta There can be many reasons for this; some of the women considered themselves bisexual from the get-go, others found themselves in circumstances where they developed a close relationship with a person different from the gender they were usually attracted to, still others fell in love because of who the person was, not what they were. The conclusion is that for women, relationships are complicated (well, duh).

As a straight woman who spent the better part of her adult life alone, I spent many years wishing that I was sexually attracted to women. While it’s true that the grass is always greener, it seemed like being able to have more options is always a good thing when it comes to sex (not to mention that it highly increases opportunities for fun and pleasure in many different configurations). And at least one of the factors Diamond discusses in the book is already present for me: I have incredible, intimate, beautiful, deep friendships with many of my women friends. It seems like it would be simple to make that leap from friendship to something more erotic.

Sadly, it doesn’t seem to work that way for me. I’ve had more than one situation where I was sexually attracted to women friends, but when I tried to act on it, there was no erotic charge. I describe it as two magnets pushing away from each other. It just doesn’t seem to work for me, much as I would like it to. Diamond talks about male sexual orientation being more hard-wired, that men seem to not have this fluidity in their sexuality (or perhaps it’s just suppressed by our society’s general discomfort with intimacy between men).

Because, of course, lesbian relationships are meaningless if they don't turn straight guys on.

Because, of course, lesbian sex is meaningless if it doesn’t conform to heterosexual male beauty standards.

I do think, though, as a concept, sexual fluidity among women is one that can gain some serious traction. Every day I talk to women around the country who are frustrated with their lack of prospects in the dating world. I have many beautiful, successful friends and acquaintances who are left asking “what’s wrong with me that I can’t meet someone?” Mostly it seems to be a supply and demand problem: huge supply of eligible women making a large demand on a small supply of eligible men. Couple that with the fact that with online dating, women in their 40s and 50s are now competing with women in their 20s and 30s for the same pool of men, and it starts looking sad.

I especially think the idea of having women as partners is an appealing one for older women who have gone through menopause and have found their sex drive disappears. Of course this doesn’t happen to every woman – many women find their sex drives going up when the specter of pregnancy is out of the picture – but for those who have little to no interest in sex, why not open things up a bit more? It seems like many women would have better luck at finding someone who was a good companion, shared their interests, was emotionally supportive and had many of the qualities they were looking for in a partner if they were going for women. This especially makes sense when women get much, much older: personally, I don’t want to be competing with 9 other women for 1 man in a nursing home. This concept was popular in the late 1800s in the form of Boston Marriages, where single women living in the city would share a home and resources because they couldn’t afford to live on their own. Some of them were likely lesbians, but I’m guessing that many of them were doing it for other reasons.

I guess the old paradigms die hard. Earlier this year, my boyfriend and I talked about getting married so I could get on his health insurance (a very good reason to marry, in my book). Inevitably when I mentioned this to my women friends, their eyes would light up at the thought of us having a big, romantic wedding. It’s entirely possible that it will go down that way, but both of us have already done that, and are looking at things from a more practical standpoint. For many years, marriage was a business contract, but we have moved very far from that idea. Women now spend all their time dreaming about a big wedding, while neglecting to put much thought into the marriage that will come after it. domain information . Sadly, a fancy wedding rarely guarantees a happily ever after outcome….

Having a relationship for a woman would, I imagine, look like failure for many. The practicalities of partnership often take a back seat to romance in the mind of many. I can understand why this might be – after all, we are spoon-fed stories about Prince Charming from the time we are young. travel tool But perhaps it’s time to be more realistic. There’s a whole lot of Cinderellas out there who are waiting for the dude with the glass slipper to show up, and they may end up waiting a very long time….

Get off my lawn!

Posted on August 8, 2012 by Epiphany Jordan

I recently went on a campout with about 100 people in the woods of Northern California. Our group has been going to this particular spot for about 12 years. My friends are extremely eccentric, and many of the folks do a lot of experimentation with sex and drugs. Things have calmed down quite a bit from where they were when we first started, but things often get crazy. We have spent a lot of time establishing rules around what is permissible and what is not. We like to keep things open, and there is a high degree of tolerance, but it is not an anything-goes environment (though it would certainly look like one from the outside).

A couple of years back, the campground changed its policy and made the venue 18 and up, but years ago we had campouts where kids were included. Because there were children present in a place with adult activities, we created spaces where said activities could occur but they would not in front of the children. This system has worked well. One of the hard and fast rules has been around the lawn (the central gathering spot). “See you on the lawn” is a standard sign-off in conversations prior to a campout. We do yoga, have classes and game shows, and read, talk, knit, nap and relax on the lawn. It is the equivalent of a family game room or living room.

Even though children no longer come camping with us, we have maintained that the lawn is a sex-free environment. I have described it thusly: it’s okay to have sex in your living room. It’s okay to have sex in your living room with other people, if everyone is having sex. It’s not okay to have sex in your living room if there are people sitting around reading books and having conversations.

You kids get off my lawn!

This rule has been broken on multiple occasions, and this weekend was no exception. Saturday afternoon I was attending one of many workshops (ironically, a workshop about sex), and three people started fucking. I was sitting about 5′ away from this action, and considered telling them to stop, but ended up not doing so. Some folks were watching, others moved away. People were unsure what to do – was this acceptable behavior? There were many people there who had never been to one of our events and they genuinely didn’t know how to respond.

Sunday, the same individuals started having sex on the lawn again. This time, a few people were uncomfortable enough to approach one of the organizers, who told the fornicators that they needed to stop. They discontinued, and moved to a table next to the kitchen where dinner was being prepared (another very public area where, to my knowledge, no one had had sex before).

Discussions raged about this transgression for the rest of the campout. The gossip ranged from admiration to incredulity to slut-shaming to disgust to anger. One friend who had attended our event only once before had brought a couple of newbies along, and they wondered how this sort of thing was usually handled, and was it really okay? I told her that what usually happened was that people would sit around feeling uncomfortable about it, no one would say anything, and then when we got back to town people would start whining and complaining about it on email…which is exactly what has happened. I’m curious to see how/if this will be resolved, but I suspect that it will be happening again next year.

So, oh yeah, I was going to talk about boundaries. After watching this scenario go down a few times, I had several thoughts about ’em.

We are socialized to have particular customs around boundaries, and when we are presented with a situation where the boundaries and rules change, we often don’t know how to respond.
Boundaries tend to be very fluid. There are some things that may be acceptable with certain people in certain places and at certain times, but not at other times. And it’s hard to remember that each of us has a very individual set of boundaries that differ greatly from person to person. (To be honest, some people know that others have boundaries different from their own and just don’t give a fuck.)
I have often observed that people who have more stringent, conservative boundaries internally shame themselves or wonder what is wrong with them because they don’t have much interest in participating in non-monogamous or kinky sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with living and loving in a more traditional way, and in my perfect sex-positive universe, we each get to have our own, satisfying sex life regardless of where we fall on the vanilla/kinky spectrum or the non-/monogamous spectrum.
Worse than feeling bad about having more conservative boundaries than others is that people don’t speak up when they are uncomfortable because they don’t want to appear as a spoilsport or buzzkill to others’ fun. This makes one person’s boundaries more acceptable than others, and it ain’t right.
People feel that they can’t speak up because they are “not in charge.” This sort of parental approach to boundaries – that Mom or Dad needs to handle it – leaves people feeling disempowered and looking like victims. On the other end of that spectrum, it seems like sometimes people push/break boundaries just because they are told that a boundary is there. To me, this is letting the inner teenager take over and it’s extremely obnoxious.
American culture is so steeped in individualism that oftentimes people think they have the right to do whatever they damn well please, even when it is at the expense of others. This is an attitude I find selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered, and it can and has harmed others. (Note: I don’t classify this particular situation as harmful, but this attitude espoused by others can be.)
One of the people who was having sex on the lawn was a long-standing member of our group who has been warned in the past, and definitely knows the rules (I suspect the involvement of new participants to our event was deliberate). This particular person is a very beautiful, sexy woman; had she been a man, she would have been kicked out of our group years ago. There are definitely double standards for men and women when it comes to sex, and the ones that benefit women are just as bad.
When you see people breaking boundaries, it gives others permission to do so. One woman told me that she and her girlfriends had a couple of different men put their hands on them without asking. The only way it’s possible to have an environment of experimentation and permissiveness is to have boundaries be respected. (Of course, not everyone knows what their boundaries are, or that they must assert them, but that’s a whole different story.)

I have no idea how this particular situation will turn out; personally, I think that it’s gone past the place where a slap on the wrist will suffice and someone needs to draw a firm line in the sand. Alas, it’s not my event and since I’m not an organizer, it’s not my call to make. My good friend Mrs. B has succinctly put words to a long-standing problem I’ve seen in my group and other alternative groups: what happens when you have a group of highly tolerant people, and there are those who repeatedly break the social contract and there are no consequences for such actions? I think this is another thing that harks back to our younger selves: so many of us were rejected by our peers in school that exclusion of anyone for anything reminds us of the pain we felt when we were rejected, and so we show no one the door. (This is from that most excellent of documents, Five Geek Social Fallacies. If you are part of an alternative community, you should print it out, read it, then chew it up and swallow it so it becomes part of the very fiber of your body.) In the end, it bites us in the ass because we allow people and practices to flourish for way too long in a disruptive fashion.

Cultural paradox

Posted on February 21, 2012 by Epiphany Jordan

Last night I ended up going to a bar on the west side of downtown Austin. I almost never go downtown on Saturday night, but an out-of-town friend called and invited me to come out for his girlfriend’s birthday. They were watching the Saints game at Lucy’s Surfer Bar, a place where his girlfriend hangs out frequently (it’s a local haunt for ex-pats of the Crescent City).

I got there as the game was ending, which was a good thing – I’ve never been a fan of football. The bar was packed, and spirits were high: New Orleans had just won. It took me several minutes to make my way to the back of the bar. It was a fairly typical downtown Austin club scene – loads of people 25 years younger than me indulging in my least-favorite drug: alcohol. I finally found my friend and his girlfriend, and spent a few minutes catching up. It was decided that we would go to another bar, and we started making our way toward the exit. My friend’s girlfriend got distracted and started dancing, and it looked like we were going to be there for a while. Loud, crowded and drunk are probably my three least favorite environments to be in. (I may have mad social skillz, but I’m really an introvert.) I excused myself and headed home.

It has been an eye-opening experience to be single in my late 40s, and to discover how invisible I have become.

This invisible woman gets a whole lot more attention than I ever did.

My inside reality is completely disconnected from the outside feedback I get. When I look at recent pictures of myself, I think I look more physically beautiful than I ever have, and am comfortable with the erotic, sexual parts of myself that are so integral to who I am. I know myself well, and like the person I’ve grown to be. I have more than a clue about what I have to contribute to the world. I feel like I’m at the peak of my power, and that I will continue to grow wiser, kinder, happier and more content. And yet, when I’m someplace like I was last night, I don’t even merit a second glance. Men rush past me to get to younger, prettier, thinner (and less challenging) women. I’ve stood by while men come up and try to hit on my friends and ignore me completely, or watch them wriggle to get away from having conversations with me because I’m cutting into time when they could be hitting on girls they are interested in. It’s not that I’m attracted to these guys, or trying to hit on them, but if I want to sit alone and drink, I’ll stay home and do it. There’s a reason I always strike up conversations with women when I’m in a new social situation….

Another older friend of mine was telling me about an experience she recently had of being in a bar and being similarly ignored. Only when an alpha male friend hugged her and chatted with her did the other men in the bar change their attitude toward her – all of a sudden she was someone desirable because this man who commanded their respect gave her this seal of approval. I suppose I could go out dressed like a slut, get myself drunk and throw myself at some guy, but that was so 1990 for me.

There is more than a kernel of truth in the adage, “men are judged by what they do, women are judged by how they look.” In keeping with this, society accords women the greatest amount of power when they are under 25 (I’ve known some poised women in their early 20s, but by and large, they are only shadows of who they become when they hit their 40s). When I was that age, I wasn’t valued for my looks at all, so you would think I would be used to it by now. Still, it stings to be told by society that you have no worth past your appearance. I often see women who traded on their looks in their youth, and as they start pushing 60, they are devastated to be losing their source of their power. It makes me glad I have brains, curiosity, creativity and generosity – those things only grow stronger with age.

One of our biggest generations of all – the baby boomers – is aging, and as women live longer than men, there is going to be a massive group of older single women. Already you hear stories about nursing homes where there are ten single women for every man. Perhaps some of these women will find that their sexual orientation is fluid, and they will become partners, romantic companions and lovers with each other. But not all women will; many will internalize society’s homophobia, others like me may find that they are incapable of switching teams and seem to be hard-wired to only desire men (a factor about myself that I find endlessly frustrating and depressing). What becomes of us? Sure, we can enjoy strong, intimate friendships, but what of those of us who still want/need sex, who desire to have an erotic life?