This, sadly, is not a work of fiction. Guys, please learn from this dude’s mistakes….
- Tell me you are bringing your dog over to my house (said house is home to cats), which is okay because your dog’s just a big homo. When the dog runs away because you left the door open, go out looking for him. Once the dog returns to the house, tell me repeatedly that if i weren’t here, you’d be beating him.
- Smoke a ton of cigarettes and throw your butts all over my front yard.
- Drink at least a 12-pack of Lone Star tall boys. When we go out to run an errand, and I tell you that I don’t want you drinking in my car, insist that you drive so you can keep drinking. Stop to get more beer on the way back. Get progressively drunker and sloppier as the evening continues.
- Tell me you are thinking my guest house looks like a great place to live.
- Aggressively pursue your kinks without asking me if I’m interested in them, or asking me what my own kinks might be.
Next time, try bringing flowers instead.
- Go on a drunken monologue about libertarianism. Throw in several racist comments about our current president. When I attempt to tell you about my own beliefs, interrupt me and dismiss my perspective.
- Tell me earlier in the day that what I’m making for dinner sounds good, but don’t eat until 10 p.m., long after I’ve eaten by myself.
- When I tell you that I have work to do, refuse to leave. Tell me you’re going to go and lay down and wait for me, and then complain because I’m working and not spending time with you.
- Make several derisive, derogatory comments about intellectuals. Neglect to find out that my parents are college professors.
- Take a shower, but somehow come out with your junk still smelling like stale sweat. Expect me to be happy about sucking on that foul-smelling thing.